If only I could hide my face like an Ostrich!

I was substitute teaching my little brother Aaron’s class last week and a little boy came up and asked if he could use the restroom. I said, “You can go when she gets back.” and the ‘she’ said, “You mean ‘He’.” I was confused and said, “She asked first, and then you can go.” looking back to the little boy. Again the ‘she’ said, “You mean ‘He’.”
I was as confused as you probably are. The whole class was staring at me, and my little brother, sitting two feet away, started laughing. I realized just then that the ‘she’ was a ‘he’ and ‘he’ was correcting me. I was so embarrassed. I tried to cover it up and just dug myself deeper. I finally just said, “You can go after HE gets back.” That seemed to pacify the class, but Aaron was still snickering at my uncomfortableness. I glared my baby brother down, but couldn’t help but laugh myself.
Oops.
The funny thing is, that his name is Tristan and he was wearing boy clothes. Earlier in the day I made mental notes, like: “Hmm… I thought Tristan was a boy’s name” and “She sure dresses like a boy” Those clues should have tipped me off that it was a boy, but for some reason they didn’t and I made a fool of myself.

Morning Sickness

So about once a month since I got pregnant, I throw up all day long. Last time this happened I was at my brothers’ wrestling meet at Alta High. I was sitting in the bleachers when it hit. I rushed to the hall and asked an Alta Cheerleader where the bathroom was. She told me it was my first left. I walked very briskly to the first left and it branched both ways. I chose the door on the right because I was already there and it was coming out. I covered my mouth but it was coming. I ran in and noticed a row of urinals. Oh well, I thought, it’s too late now. I ran into the first stall. Of course it was clogged, but I couldn’t turn around now. I finally let it all out into the toilet and as more came I heard someone using the urinals. I barfed a few more times and figured the kid out there was gone by now. I came out of the stall to see a 10 year old boy grimacing at me. I mumbled…pregnant and…didn’t know it was the boys. I ran to the girl’s bathroom to clean the barf from my pants, coat and face from when I almost didn’t make it.
It all ended up being okay because no one came up to me and accused me of being a pervert for being in the wrong bathroom.

I hate Junior High

I usually substitute for Elementary kids because most of them are shorter than me. In this poor economy I excepted a job at the Junior High. Big Mistake. I was the sub for Girls Gym. It might sound fun, but I was so nauseous that I couldn’t even play the games with them. They were all taller than me, and they were all snots. I hate Junior High, and even more than that I hate Junior High girls.
To get to the point, I had a little office in the locker room where I kept my purse and coat. I kept this room locked because students aren’t allowed in there. There was one class period where I had two student aids. One was a Polynesian girl and she just sat in the office. When I went to lock it she told me she usually just sits in there. I figured whatever, I’ll be the cool sub.
At the end of the class I came into the office and she had the rap music way too loud. I went to grab some crackers out of my purse and some of my stuff was on the ground. I figured I must have kicked it. I’m so naïve.
At lunch time I went to get the lunch money Matt had given to me that morning. It just so happened that I put it in the same pocket that had mysteriously “spilled” earlier. I felt so stupid. I had trusted that girl to sit in the office and she steals a measly two dollars.
I talked to the vice principal and he told me she was a “hard student.” Code for “she’s been to my office before and she’s a trouble maker.”
I guess the worst part wasn’t that I wouldn’t get my two bucks back, it was when I found out that the girl is in my parents’ ward.

Do I ever blog about anything other than spiders?

Yesterday we spent the day at my parents’ house. My parents, very recently, got rid of a few of their children. One to marriage, two to missions, and one to college. With all the extra rooms, everyone moved out of the basement and upstairs. My mom made the basement into a guest’s quarters. Two bedrooms, a bath and a mini kitchen. The only problem is that they don’t have guests very often. Matt turned on the shower to get his hair wet so he could get it to work. Out of the faucet fell a huge spider. He tried to drown it, but it wasn’t working, it was too strong. The drain didn’t have a hole large enough for it to fit down anyway. I took matters into my own hands.

First I grabbed a bottle of Windex® and sprayed the sucker. It was still crawling around and that made me nervous so I grabbed the can of Clorox® and dumped it on it as it crawled around the drain. This guy was not giving up. With my last attempt I grabbed a bottle of hairspray. The spider was already slowing down with all the chemicals I had doused him with, but I sprayed the hairspray anyway. He stopped and just sat there.

You never know if a spider is really dead or not. They like to pretend and then they wait until you think they are dead to crawl away. Then they come back with a vengeance to get you. We were late for church, so I hoped it was dead. When we came back it was still in the same spot. It had all that time to get away. It was definitely dead. Then I remembered the way it started to slow in step as it was taking its last breaths which were probably filled with poisonous dust. I felt a tinge of guilt knowing that I had killed this poor little spider.

Then I remembered it was a big spider and I was glad it was dead.

Ghost House

Okay, so I’m pretty sure our apartment is haunted. Here is my reasoning.

When we first moved in I would hear the bathroom drawers open and shut when we were falling asleep. Sometimes I would hear the bathroom cupboards shutting too. I would make Matt go check to see what it was. There was never any sign of anything.

Last Tuesday I was taking a bath and I heard a kitchen cupboard close. I clean our house on Tuesdays, and I had just cleaned the kitchen. I have a small amount of OCD and I can’t leave a cupboard door open. Of course the cat on my shoulder was telling me that it was someone in my house. I called Matt to tell him I was scared. He said it was the people who live above us.

Sunday morning, while deciding if I should get out of bed or not, I heard something hit the floor in the kitchen. I told myself it was probably a rat. Rats are less scary than someone being in your house. When I got up, I did some investigating. Our mop was on the ground.

Yesterday while in the bathroom I heard dishes clinking around. I was determined to find out what it was. The rock on my shoulder convinced me that there were too many dishes in the sink and they fell. I jumped out of the bath and ran to the kitchen. There were two dishes in the sink. A bowl and a spoon.

You’re probably thinking It’s just the people above them. Well, I soon realized that we cannot hear ANYTHING that goes on except for walking. We never hear dishes or cupboards or babies crying or a television on. We only hear footsteps. It is very sound proof, with the exception of the feet hitting the floor.

Well, then It’s probably a rat. I have looked and looked for signs of a rat. There are no droppings, there aren’t any holes chewed through any bags, and how would a rat open a cupboard anyway?

Here’s the rest of the story. It turns out that the family above us used to have 5 children. They had a very adventurous daughter that would come into the basement and explore the catacombs. One day she got lost and she couldn’t find her way out. It was dark, but she could see a sliver of light shining down a hole. She tried climbing through it to get out and got stuck. Her spirit kept going and as she reached the light she noticed her body still stuck. She tried to get help, but it was no use. As the family searched the catacombs for her they never looked in that hole. The spirit never gave up trying to communicate with those around her. As the years passed the family eventually finished the basement. While excavating they found her body. They had a memorial service and went on with their lives. The spirit went back to its body one day to find a basement, and her body gone. Tormented by the separation of body and spirit, she continues to try and communicate with those around her, so that one day she can reunite with her body, and rest in peace.

That’s the best I got. If anyone else has a better theory, let me know.

The Attack

Today in my morning routine I took a bath. I was playing the impossible game of bubble breaker on my phone when the invasion hit. A close encounter. My head was just above the rim of the tub and my shoulders were resting on that rim. Inches from my elbow, crawling over the rim- a spider. I screamed as I pull my body to the wall, as far away as I can. As if the spider knew he had walked into the wrong room, it tried to turn around and leave. I remember it in slow motion. The spider’s back leg slips as it turns and it stumbles backward. I try to stand knowing it will tumble into my water. Down it falls and up I go, splashing water all over the place. My phone is probably ruined, but I can’t think about that now. I have to get away from the nasty dot that is swirling towards me. I finally rip the curtain open, and as the spider rides the waves closer to me I make the decision to jump out. Water is all over the bathroom, but I don’t care. I set the phone down not sure what action to take. How do I get it out? I glance at the toilet paper, but realize how silly that would be. I reach in and drain the bath water. Our plug is broken, so I have to hold it down the whole time. He isn’t curled into the little ball that he was before, in fact he’s swimming. His legs are out and paddling like crazy. I envision him crawling out of the water and charging me, so I splash him so he’ll drown. Apparently spiders can hold their breath. He reaches for the edge of the tub but can’t hold on. My eyes are glued to his actions. He struggles and struggles to reach the edge, but can’t keep hold of it. He rests in between tries and his rests lengthen in time. I think he is dead, but as he reaches the drain and swirls around, before his final dissent he makes one last attempt. The current pulls him down, too strong for his tired little body.

After drying the bathroom with a ShamWow® and searching every corner of the room, I crawl back into the tub to start the bath water once again. This time it isn’t the relaxing, soothing experience that it usually is. I keep peeking over the rim of the tub to make sure a spider isn’t crawling up the side.

I’m ruined.

The Ultrasound

Last week Matt and I went to our first doctor’s appointment. The verdict…It’s a Baby. The doctor called it a gummy bear. At that visit it was the size of a green olive, now it’s the size of a prune. It grows fast. We got to see its little heart beat. Last week it had a tail, now it has arms, elbows and legs, and it’s forming some knees and ankles. How amazing. Last week it looked like a salamander, now it looks somewhat human!

As hard as it is to form a little baby, I’m excited!