Al

I found this picture while looking for something else. You might look at it and see five very good looking people. Probably not. You might see four moderately disgusting people that haven’t showered in five days and one horribly revolting man that has literally been living in a van down by the river. This all started two summers ago. Matt, JoNeale, Daniel and I started the week off by driving to Moab. We saw Arches NP which was really cool to see considering it’s a symbol of the state I’ve lived in my whole life, and I had never seen it. That night, in order to save money, we found a playground in the middle of a ball diamond. We grabbed our tarp and slept under the stars, or more rather a tube tunnel-which Daniel slept in. The wood chips/tiny gravel pieces made for comfortable enough bedding. The worst part was the wakeup call by the sprinklers at 5 AM. Needless to say it was an adventure before our real adventure even started.
That morning we drove up to our drop off site with a man, large in stature- that could have been a pro wrestler, but had a passion for upholstery. We started our river trip with high spirits. That day was long and hot.
I was in charge of the map. It was my job to make sure we went far enough each day and didn’t pass our pickup spot. Written on the map in small letters was the word Allen next to where we would end our journey.

It was fun to be on the river, but we would stop whenever we felt like it to hike, eat, sleep, etc. Most of the time was spent rowing or swimming beside the boat. We saw an abandoned house, caves, a “post office” (just a bunch of rocks in a pile), and great rocks to jump into the river from.
The weather was mostly good, but one night the boys left their rain flap off and they woke up with dirt caked all over them! Our last night it rained liked crazy as we were trying to find a good place to pull over and sleep. So many memories. As you can imagine, we were pretty dirty and stanky after 5 days on that river.
Our last day we only had a couple of miles left on the trip so we took our time. We were the first ones to the dock and we unload our canoes. We sat for a while waiting for someone to come and help us. We waited for this so-called Allen to contact us.
Sure enough a river troll lurking in the trees emerged. He went around talking to all the groups that had finally made it. When it was our turn, he introduced himself as Al, and continued to tell us how he lived in this old trailer (pretty much just a van with a sink), and how he’d been doing research. I looked him up and down and thought what kind of research? How to make a shirt out of beard hair?
I can’t remember what he said, but something about plants. I do remember thinking- they already had a breakthrough with that- 20 years ago! I asked him how he did research and if he had the internet? He told me that there was no way to get service but that he had an encyclopedia. One encyclopedia. Probably from the 70s.
The reason I don’t remember that little bit is because I saved all the room in my memory for what happened next. He told us that he had a breakthrough. He said that Christ was just a man. He said that anytime in the New Testament when it mentioned dead it meant dead tired (he informed me that that is where that expression came from), so when it said dead it meant asleep. He told me that Jesus was a carpenter and what did he mainly make? This man knew, I don’t know how? It must have been through revelation that only this troll was allowed to know, but he told me that Christ made the first bed. They only had bed rolls before that.
He went on to say that the reason people were sick and had infirmities was from the ground. They had back problems and diseases from the earth. He claimed that the reason people followed him was so he would make them a bed and the reason people were healed was because he “raised” them from the dead-his interpretation: raised them off the ground while they were sleeping.
I must admit it must have taken him a while to come up with this idea. What I don’t understand is why he didn’t ever read the New Testament. His idea was only from the stories he had heard because he obviously never read it.
I wonder how Christ healed those blind men with his amazing bed making skills. I wonder why the other carpenters did jump on this very complex idea of a bed frame.
I think it’s funny that people will do all they can to humanize Christ’s divinity.
Very often I think back on Al and sometimes I feel bad for him and sometimes I can’t help but laugh. I mean just look at him!