Shoulder Pals

I have these two different personalities that sit on opposite shoulders and whisper things to me and they are always at war. Most people have an Angel and a Devil, but that is not my problem. I have a cat on my left shoulder that nervously paces back and forth and cries at every noise. On my other shoulder sits a rock, stable and sturdy. My scaredy cat and reasonable rock are constantly fighting. Lucky for me, when Matt is home I can’t hear them as well, but every now and then I hear, Are the doors locked? Did you hear that? and Don’t worry, Matt’ll take care of it.

I get up, on average, two times a night to use the restroom. I don’t turn any lights on to save my retinas from burning and I leave all doors on the way open to keep an obstruction free return to bed. Scaredy Cat always says, What if someone runs at you with a knife? or What if someone is in the shower…with a knife? Then Reasonable Rock says, That’s crazy. How would they have gotten in? Why would they choose your house? You’re being ridiculous. Then Scaredy Cat says, What if there is a huge spider about to crawl on you? and Reasonable Rock says, They are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Cat: What if it’s a Hobo Spider.
Rock: Shut up you stupid cat.
Cat: You’ll be sorry when I’m right.
Rock: You’re never right, so how can you know that?
They are arguing so loudly that I’m totally awake now and when I crawl back into bed I can’t fall back asleep. Not that I could anyway because Cat says: Did you hear that? It was a rat.
Rock: It’s just an old house.
Cat: Old houses don’t make chewing and scampering noises. It’s a rat.
Rock: It’s Sara (lives above us) rocking her baby back to sleep.
Every night it’s the same story, sometimes only once but sometimes as many as three times a night, and if it’s not the rat then it’s a spider.
Cat: Did you feel that? It was a spider on your arm.
Rock: It’s just an itch.
Cat: Spider.
Rock: Arm hair brushing against the sheet.
Cat: Spider.

As if being pregnant isn’t hard enough, I can’t even get a good night’s sleep.